the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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