do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
