dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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