Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
