She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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