I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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