i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
