I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just pee around me
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
