He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize