i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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