i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
