She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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