my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
