awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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