So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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