haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
