twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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