i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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