I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
