I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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