my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
