This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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