He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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