im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
