Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
