He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
