i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
