Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
