We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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