i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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