I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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