Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
