i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
