worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
