Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
