New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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