just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
