I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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