just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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