its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
