I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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