Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
