I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
