my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
