I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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