omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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