now i know why i became what i already was.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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