i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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