I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
