What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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