what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
