For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You are a genius and a whore.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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