He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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