can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
