i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
