I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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