I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
