I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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