mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
